SWITCHING TO TUMBLR.

Attention all Bloggers. My computer is broken, so I have to blog from my phone. Unfortunately, Blogspot doesn't work on my phone. So I am going to go through tumblr. Feel free to check that one.

becauseofthelittlethings.tumblr.com

Too Lost.

My life is just way to crazy to keep up with this thing. Some big changes in my life: I quit drill. What? I know. But don't you fret. I have moved on to bigger and better things. Dance Company(: I love love love it. It's one million thousand times better than drill. And the whole school doesn't hate it like they do drill! I could write about all the drama that's going on, but that would just bring me down to the levels of people that are most definitely below me. You know who you are and I am almost positive you will read this(: Just know that the best way to drive someone crazy, is to be nice to them. It's hilarious. Anywho, you know that boy I was so sure I would marry? Yeah. We broke up. If you were to ask me why, I would simply state that I have not a freaking clue. One day he just dropped me off and that was it. Was I hurt? A little. But definitely not as much as last time. Did it change our relationship? Ha. Not really. But things are slowly fading and it is getting harder and harder. I know I shouldn't be public about this, but when you don't really have anyone to talk to, a blog is all you've got. I just really don't know what he wants. One minute he regrets ever breaking up with me, and the next minute he doesn't want anything to do with me. It's making my mind go all crazy like. But he is still my best friend, and he probably always will be. So I guess that's good. At least he's not dead or anything right? Well that's about it bloggers.

Have a nice day(:

I'm Here.

Uhhh hi. I'm alive and all is well. Well...partially. It's so crazy to me how one change in your life can upset the simplest things; like updating your blog. Who knew? Well anyways, I feel as if I at least owe my readers (if there are any out there) a skim of an explanation as to why I fell off the face of the planet. Here goes nothin'.

Day 1: I get in the car after school, absolutely oblivious to the fact that my father was gone. The first words spoken to me was "your dad left." No he's not dead or anything of the sort, but he was dead to me. Saying I freaked out would have been an absolute understatement. You know how people say your numb after something big happens to you? That's not true. Well, for me at least. An unfaithful man is one of the sickest things to me. Especially if that man has a family. Now, you may think I am being a little too dramatic about the whole thing, but it wasn't just the cheating and lying and sneaking around that he got himself into. It was alcohol, chew, and who knows what else. I just don't understand how you can go out and do whatever it was that my father did, and then come home and look at your kids, and your wife, and your home, and not have a guilty conscience. And when confronted by my mother, he still did not fess up. He tried to weasel his way through yet ANOTHER lie. After all was said and done, the rest of the family and I decided to go stay with my aunt for a couple of days. Thus resulting in my mother and I's drive home to pick up clothes and such. Just my luck, my dad was there. I stormed past him to my room, trying to ignore his existance. But sure enough, he followed me, begging for a chance to explain. I shut out his weak excuses, and when asked for a hug and an "I Love You" before I left, I shoved past him. He moved out, and the rest of my family stayed with my aunt for a few days. He countinued to call and text and drop by, but I always found an excuse to avoid contact with him. But as for the rest of my family, including my mom, the situation was very different. They all talked to him and the other kids went to dinner with him and things like that, but not me. Everyone keeps telling me I am going to have to forgive him sometime. That everything will be back to normal soon. But everyone is not getting it. The "normal" I had before, didn't make me happy. Everyone is trying to pretend like we were some happy family with not a worry in the world before everything happened, but truth is, we weren't. My dad and I haven't gotten along for years. And it isn't the immature teenager stage or anything like that. I hated him because, deep down, I knew all along the things he was doing. I could just feel it. With every look I wasted upon him, I got a feeling of disgust. I truly hated him. And I am fully aware of how selfish that sounds, considering he is my father, and he does pay for everything I do. But that doesn't excuse the fact that he not only cheated on my mother, but on my entire family. He finally got sick of me ingoring him, and just barged into my home and started yelling at me. The entire conversation was about how I shut him out years ago, which pretty much makes the whole situation my fault. Which is partially true, because I did shut him out. He yelled and fought for my forgiveness and love, but let me tell you something. When you hate someone, you still care for them. As much as you hate to admit it, you feel for that person. Because by saying that you hate someone, that means that they did something that hurt you. And just the fact that they have that power to hurt you, means that you care, no matter how small the amount may be. Now, when you stop caring, and when their actions have no affect on you whatsoever, that's when they are no longer a part of you. I don't hate my father anymore. I simply lost all hope and all feelings. I am numb to his mistakes, and I don't want him in my life anymore. I am done arguing with him, simply because he is not in the right state of mind, and he just doesn't know right from wrong. I am so over all this, and I'm so ashamed to even call him my father.

Well that's the latest drama in my life. Don't you hate it when the people you are supposed to look up to betray you beyone belief? Because I sure do.

Stop Feeling Sorry.

This little thought has just been itching at the back of my mind. I am so sick and tired of hearing how awful some people think their lives are. And I feel so entirely hypocritical saying this, since that is mainly all this blog is filled with; posts about how terrible my life is. And yet, here I am, writing on this computer, in a home, with food in the pantry, clothes in my closet, and I still have the nerve to complain about a lousy breakup, or the stupid glare I sometimes get from my peers. I don't mean to get all churchy on you all, (if there is anyone even reading this,) but I'd like to share my experience in seminary today. Our assignment was to share our favorite scripture, and a story to follow if we wished. An extremely obnoxiously happy girl gets up to share hers, and it's about persevereing to the end and knowing that you have always got God on your side. She then precede to talk about her life in foster care. She was adopted in her early childhood, abused for years, and then placed back into her foster care. I sat there just thinking, here I am, feeling sorry for myself on a daily basis for the stupidest reasons. Like not having a car, or not going to a sale I wanted to go to. It's pathetic, and it's ridiculous. While I am sitting in my desk at school, not taking full advantage of my oppourtunity to have an education, there is a child somewhere else in the world, that can only not afford schooling, but can't even afford to have clothes on his back, shoes on his feet, or even food on the table everyday. I advise you not to take for granted a single luxury you are given, because you never know how quickly in can be ripped right out from under you. Always keep in mind that you will never be given a situation that you cannot handle, and always remember that there is and there WILL ALWAYS BE many many people out there that have a much harder life than you do. And how do I know that, you may ask? Well, if you are lucky enough to have a computer to be reading this, then I guarantee you have a pretty dang good life, regardless of whether or not your trials are barable.

Look around.
Notice your blessings.
And give something to someone else today.

Days Like Today.

I hate days like today. I wake up, feeling good about myself, and I'm ready to take on whatever comes my way. But then you come in contact with ignorant, selfabsorbed ass holes. Excuse my language. But it amazes me how much a single person can turn my day from having the potential to being amazing, to a very, very bad day. I wake up  this morning, ready to go to attendance, and feeling motivated to get my butt in gear before school ends. The day will consist of an assembly, the very first drill practice of the season, and a captain parent meeting after. I was so excited, and certain people just ruin my entire mood. Here I am, trying to congratulate a dear friend of mine, and they don't even have the decency to come up and say hi. And then ANOTHER close friend of mine, stabs me in the back with her dick of a boyfriend. Which shouldn't surprise me, because that is nothing new. Today is one of those days when everything everyone does bugs me. Maybe its just the PMS talking, but seriously. Somethimes I wonder why God put so many retards on this earth.

Enjoy your day.
I'll try to do the same.

Moving On.

Dear Austin,

I hope you don't get mad at me for posting this, and I hope you are not angry about the things I am about to say. I wish I could say this to you in person, because you deserve more than a lousy blog post. But I have never been good at expressing myself, and you know that better than anyone. In all honesty, I love you more than I have ever loved another human being. And I wish it didn't have to end like this, but you and I both know that it is the only way. Our relationship wasn't a healthy thing. But don't get me wrong. I don't regret a second of our time together. I had some of the best memories come out of our relationship, and you taught me so much about myself. You taught me that I can do anything I set my mind to. You showed me how strong I really am. You taught me that I am actually worth something. You showed me that it IS possible to be a perfect person. You never frowned, and I loved that about you. You never hated, nor expected anything in return for giving so much. And I admire you for that. You are not selfish in any way, shape, or form. And I can't wait to see you grow into something more than you have already become. I hope you realize how amazing you truly are. You are going places with your life. Don't let anyone tell you different. You are your own person. You are truly beautiful, inside and out. I just want to tell you that I am OK with everything that has happened between us, because I know you will worry about it way more than you should. I want to say thank you for all of the amazing times. Thank you for all the money that you spent on me. Thank you for the amazing dates we went on. Thank you for the Christmas presents, the cafe rio and subway runs, and all the great times you gave me. No one could make me laugh like you could, so thank you for that, too. Thank you for showing me the world from a completely different view. Thank you for helping me to not be afraid to try new things. Thank you for all of the baseball games, and thank you for the amazing weekends. Thank you for showing me what love really is. But most importantly, thank you for being a friend. I am so grateful that that is still what you are to me. Because in all honesty, I couldn't go a day without your warm smile brightening my day. You are my whole world, and I hope you realize that you hold the key to my heart. You always will. Tell your family how much they mean to me, because you know that I won't be able to do that myself. Your family was always there when I felt as if mine wasn't. Your father is one of the wisest men I have ever met. Please listen to him and his advice he gives. Because in the end, he will always be right. Please spend more time with your mother. I know I always told you otherwise, because I was selfish and wanted you for myself, but she does more for you than you will ever know. And she cherishes every moment you spend with her. Please try and be around for your little brother more. I can see that he looks up to you, and you could make a big impact in his life if you really tried to. Tell Mitchell thank you for being such a great listener. And such a great teacher(: (He will know what that means.) Always remember how happy your step parents make your parents. Please don't ever give up when it comes to sports. You are amazing, regardless of how you play for one game. Please go through school with the same attitude that you have always had. And don't ever change how hard of a worker you have turned into. I hope you know that I wouldn't change a thing about the way we went through our lives for those seven months. And now we know what not to do in our future relationships. I hope you find a girl that fits you perfect, because you deserve nothing but the best. I am always here for you. And I mean that whole heartedly. I owe you so much, and I probably won't ever be able to give back everything that you gave me. You changed my life forever, and I wouldn't have wanted it any other way. I am not going to lie to you though, I am going to miss you as my guy more than you will ever know. I will miss when you hold me and kiss me, but the thing I will miss more than anything else, is the fact that I always knew you were there and that you loved me. But I can't wait for our future together as best friends. Because that is what we are now. And you are not going to be able to get rid of me, no matter how hard you try(: Please PLEASE always come to me with your problems. That is the whole reason I am here. I want to help you in every way that I possibly can. So again, thank you so much for all you have taught me. Never change the person you are, because you are so so amazing. I can't say enough how much I love you. But just know that I do more than words could ever explain. I love you, and I always will no matter where this crazy world takes us. You have stolen my heart.. princess(:

09/17/2010-04/25/2011

What an amazing 237 days.

Love always,

Kalen.

Remember When.

Lately my life has been filled with far too many of these. I always catch myself saying, "remember when this and this happened? yeah.. I miss that." I miss a lot of things. I miss kissing tag. I miss scraped knees. I miss when boys had cooties. I miss when fights occurred on a daily basis, but you were over them within ten minutes. I miss crayons. I miss grass stains. I miss when your biggest worry was whether or not your mom was making meat loaf for dinner. I miss being young and carefree. Now all your worries are about what college your going to, what guy your planning on marrying, how far you went with your boyfriend last weekend, what the last fight was about between you and your parents, how horrible your grades are this week, which friend got hooked on marijuana last week. It's awful. I hate it. And I wish things would go back to the way they used be. But is that really possible? Can you just tweek everything to the point where your whole adolescence life is back in your hands? Because people change. They are always changing. They are growing up every second of every day. The girl you were best friends with in sixth grade, is a completely different girl that you pass by in the hallway today, while trying to avoid eye contact. Is it possible to be so compatible with the same people you were with in sixth grade, even if you and them have grown into something completely opposite? I honestly don't think that is how it works. You grew apart for a reason. And unless fate has some twisted future in mind for you, you can't grow back together just because you decide that that is what you want. It doesn't work that way. It never has. I wish this would stop happening to me.

I miss the old me.
Please come back.