I'm Here.

Uhhh hi. I'm alive and all is well. Well...partially. It's so crazy to me how one change in your life can upset the simplest things; like updating your blog. Who knew? Well anyways, I feel as if I at least owe my readers (if there are any out there) a skim of an explanation as to why I fell off the face of the planet. Here goes nothin'.

Day 1: I get in the car after school, absolutely oblivious to the fact that my father was gone. The first words spoken to me was "your dad left." No he's not dead or anything of the sort, but he was dead to me. Saying I freaked out would have been an absolute understatement. You know how people say your numb after something big happens to you? That's not true. Well, for me at least. An unfaithful man is one of the sickest things to me. Especially if that man has a family. Now, you may think I am being a little too dramatic about the whole thing, but it wasn't just the cheating and lying and sneaking around that he got himself into. It was alcohol, chew, and who knows what else. I just don't understand how you can go out and do whatever it was that my father did, and then come home and look at your kids, and your wife, and your home, and not have a guilty conscience. And when confronted by my mother, he still did not fess up. He tried to weasel his way through yet ANOTHER lie. After all was said and done, the rest of the family and I decided to go stay with my aunt for a couple of days. Thus resulting in my mother and I's drive home to pick up clothes and such. Just my luck, my dad was there. I stormed past him to my room, trying to ignore his existance. But sure enough, he followed me, begging for a chance to explain. I shut out his weak excuses, and when asked for a hug and an "I Love You" before I left, I shoved past him. He moved out, and the rest of my family stayed with my aunt for a few days. He countinued to call and text and drop by, but I always found an excuse to avoid contact with him. But as for the rest of my family, including my mom, the situation was very different. They all talked to him and the other kids went to dinner with him and things like that, but not me. Everyone keeps telling me I am going to have to forgive him sometime. That everything will be back to normal soon. But everyone is not getting it. The "normal" I had before, didn't make me happy. Everyone is trying to pretend like we were some happy family with not a worry in the world before everything happened, but truth is, we weren't. My dad and I haven't gotten along for years. And it isn't the immature teenager stage or anything like that. I hated him because, deep down, I knew all along the things he was doing. I could just feel it. With every look I wasted upon him, I got a feeling of disgust. I truly hated him. And I am fully aware of how selfish that sounds, considering he is my father, and he does pay for everything I do. But that doesn't excuse the fact that he not only cheated on my mother, but on my entire family. He finally got sick of me ingoring him, and just barged into my home and started yelling at me. The entire conversation was about how I shut him out years ago, which pretty much makes the whole situation my fault. Which is partially true, because I did shut him out. He yelled and fought for my forgiveness and love, but let me tell you something. When you hate someone, you still care for them. As much as you hate to admit it, you feel for that person. Because by saying that you hate someone, that means that they did something that hurt you. And just the fact that they have that power to hurt you, means that you care, no matter how small the amount may be. Now, when you stop caring, and when their actions have no affect on you whatsoever, that's when they are no longer a part of you. I don't hate my father anymore. I simply lost all hope and all feelings. I am numb to his mistakes, and I don't want him in my life anymore. I am done arguing with him, simply because he is not in the right state of mind, and he just doesn't know right from wrong. I am so over all this, and I'm so ashamed to even call him my father.

Well that's the latest drama in my life. Don't you hate it when the people you are supposed to look up to betray you beyone belief? Because I sure do.